He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not – How I Survived a Toxic Relationship (My Story)


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Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? Crazy in love with someone who doesn’t love you back? Are you currently in love and you want to make it last? Read my story….the healing process begins today.


He Loves Me
I’m just sitting here looking at my husband (Rickey) without him realizing that I’m talking about our marriage, my past life, my abusive first marriage and how he changed my life. After I finish blogging I will let him read it and sit back and watch the look on his face.

My husband and I have been married over 30 years and trust me everyday is Not a holiday it takes Prayer, Commitment, Trust and Love.

Going back to when we first met. He was riding a motorcycle escorting a funeral procession and I was driving a limousine. Once we arrived to the destination his eyes (seriously) captured my full attention, not knowing that he had asked one of the other limousine drivers, “Who is that with those long legs?” LOL…yes it was me…he was 26 and I was 24. Until this day he and I go back to when we met.

We didn’t exchange words or phone numbers that day. It wasn’t until 2 weeks later when we began talking. During this time I was somewhat of a distant woman because of a very abusive relationship I was previously in.

He Loved Me Not
Going back to 1975 when I met my high school sweetheart (Bill) and thought I was so in love. I should have known better because the signs were all there. I don’t want to dwell on this relationship to much because it brings back some bad memories. I married him in 1977 and in 1977 our child was born and the birth of my child almost killed me, But God saw fit to keep us here.

This man was jealous, controlling, a cheater, physically and verbally abusive. Like some women (not all) I was thinking I don’t want a divorce, I want to make this marriage work. One day after visiting my aunt I came home and he asked me why I was there so long and I said to him, “I was spending time with my aunt!” he then grabbed me by my face and bit me. Later that evening, I prayed and ask the Lord to please get me out of this mess and I haven’t looked back since. However, this relationship hindered me with trust for a very long time.

Bill my high school sweetheart was so manly, such a protector. I thought this was so cute and that he was being so man (thinking to myself he loves me so much). Anytime guy would say anything to me in class he wouldn’t get upset with them he would get upset with me and once again I thought how sweet, he cares for me (Not realizing it was a sign of abuse) but I began to realize that it wasn’t so sweet so I put an end to the relationship or so I thought.

In order to share my “He loves Me” story, I must first share my “He Loved Me Not” story and hopefully save someone (male or female) from a toxic relationship.

A friend of my introduce to me such a nice guy, he played basketball, good grades and treated me like a young lady, but I really didn’t feel anything for him. Bill found out that I had been talking to and him went crazy pick up the guy and threw him down on his back thank God he didn’t injure him. Once again me with my young minded self thought, oh Bill loves me. These kind of incidents went on and on and I’m still thinking this man loves. I mean he never hit me, UNTIL one day after school I was talking to one of OUR male friends and he saw me. He walked up behind me and as I turned around he slap me so hard and says to me” don’t you ever talk to another man” and I said to him, but he’s our friend….

For some reason after he slapped me I was in shock. I remember it as if it were yesterday I was walking on my high school campus like “What just happened, What did I do wrong?” Still thinking this BOY loves me. Not knowing what I really was getting myself into. I can say that I was young and in love, but the fact of the matter was I was STUPID and NAIVE and it’s not because I didn’t have a father figure, because my dad was there I grew up with a two parent household. I had a stepmother due to the fact that my biological mom and my grandmother died in a tragic car accident when I was two years old (My mom was 29).

My father was always a protector, he made sure that my sister and I didn’t want for anything and my stepmother made sure that we carried ourselves like ladies, so I am still trying to figure out how and why did I stay in such an abusive/toxic relationship.

Bill was handsome, protective and kind of smart. I think what attracted me to him was the protection feeling (So I thought).

We dated from 1975 through 1976. After graduating high school I began college classes at our local community college only later dropping out because he didn’t want me to go. Everything he would tell me I believed. We decided to get married in 1977. Some good days and a lot of bad days. I was still in denial.

The Joy of My Life
In October of 1977 I gave birth to the love of my life, my son. During the birth of my son we almost lost our lives, but God so fit to keep us. After giving birth I was in a coma for three days. I could hear the nurses saying put her baby by her bed and let her hear him cry. I remember opening my eyes and seeing this beauty baby (Because I didn’t know what I had) and I said that baby is so pretty and the nurse replied “That’s your baby” He was mine all mine.

Emotion Began To Set In
I began realizing what a toxic relationship I was bringing him in.

I was so filled with happiness looking down at my blessing from, my son, my love, my reason for living. After about a month or so, being a young mother I felt that my marriage and my home was complete. The violence had stopped, Bill was working and providing for our family, and my thoughts were “Finally Our Marriage Is Working.” As time went on I beginning to see changes in bill. He started staying out later and later, so me being his wife I asked him where was he spending his time? and why did I ask him that, I must have been out of my mind, but I thought that since everything was going so well it was only right that I ask this of him. He looked at me and said “Don’t you EVER question Me on my goings and comings. At this very moment I saw the old Bill, the old Bill with the devil in his eyes.

After a few months of being home I went back to work at my father’s day care center, which was a big outlet for me. Being around kids and so much love was therapy for me. My most important concern was focusing on my son and my love, support and protection for him. My mind would go in so many directions and I realized that when I wasn’t at home is when I was the happiest. I remember one evening my son and I was at my mother-in-law house having dinner and just spending time with her. She was such a sweetheart, loving and kind lady. As we were talking I looked at the scar around her neck (which I had seen so many times before, but never asked about it), but this particular evening it really captured my attention. I asked if she didn’t mine telling me what happened to her (because I always thought it may have been from surgery), but she went on to tell me what happen. She said that one night she and her husband had an argument and one thing led to another and reached for a knife and slit her throat. My heart drop and I began to think about myself and my son and what really scared me is that my husband had witness that horrible event. At this moment I realized that I am gambling with our lives.

Next: to be continue Drugs, Rape
PS Please understand that even though it’s been years I can only write so much at a time, because these flashbacks really get to me.